Loveâ€™s labours tossed :: Emotional and Mental Health

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Love's labours tossed
by author Jenn Farrell

Whee–Valentine’s Day. As holidays go, it’s not exactly a rip-snorter, is it? But hey, I’m all for breaking out my credit card yet again and supporting the florists and candy-makers.

February’s also a booming time for the self-help industry, and books of advice to the lovelorn proliferate like early spring blossoms. Whether you’re looking for a relationship or looking to get out of one, someone is eager to give you all the answers. How come those answers are something we look for outside ourselves? When did we stop trusting ourselves to make good choices?

As far as love advice goes, the best counsel I ever received was from a friend who’d listened to me complain about yet another soured partnership. “You need to find a guy who’s not afraid to let you shine,” she said. At the time, I didn’t get it. It sounded impossibly arrogant, as if I were a diva who needed to call all the shots.

Despite my sassy attitude, in relationships I had a history of being a classic people pleaser, thinking I could cement love affairs by being agreeable. But often the very things that captured a guy’s interest in the first place–my sense of humour, my style, my strong opinions–were the very things he wanted to change after a while. Usually, I just quietly hoarded my resentments until I let them all out in one primal-screaming, dish-breaking, relationship-ending blowout. Yep, that’s about as healthy as it sounds. I had been half of one couple or another for so long that I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore. I had some growing up to do, and once I spent a couple of years on my own, I realized I had chosen partners who could never give me what I needed.

Then I met someone. It wasn’t love at first sight–no fireworks, no choirs of angels. His timing was perfect–if he had shown up even a year earlier, I might not have been ready–and not have noticed what a sweet, adorable, kind, and funny person he is. And you know what? He lets me shine.

It turns out that letting someone shine isn’t about one partner being second-best; it’s being with someone who has the confidence and self-respect to let you express yourself fully. Every relationship will have its tricky bits, but some things are non-negotiable: respect, trust, honesty, and kindness. Until you find someone who’s already got that going on (and you have to have it too), you’re building a castle on sand.

So if you’re looking for a book that will tell you why you’re filled with doubt, or what he’s thinking when he acts like a jerk, or whether he really loves you–let me save you a few bucks. Why would you waste another minute on being with someone who doesn’t treat you like the awesome, beautiful, shiny person you are?

Jenn Farrell is a Vancouver writer who recently got engaged. Her ring is very shiny.

Source: alive #292, February 2007

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