Got guilt? How to tell if it’s toxic :: Emotional and Mental Health

Got Guilt?
by author Susan Carrell

You know guilt: it’s that uneasy feeling you get when you think you’ve done something wrong. But did you know that guilt can be either positive or positively toxic? Many people who suffer from toxic guilt don’t have a clue that guilt is the problem. Could you be one of them?

People who suffer from toxic guilt tend to be overly giving, hyper-responsible, devoted to pleasing others, and inclined to rescue. If these characteristics describe you, there’s a good probability that toxic guilt has a grip on you. If it does, you must escape. Why? Because toxic guilt causes stress, and stress can compromise the immune system. Increased vulnerability to illness and chronic disease is the result. Equally distressing, people with toxic guilt do not have the freedom to live the life they want.

Good guilt versus bad guilt
To determine if you have toxic guilt, you have to know the difference between good guilt and bad guilt. Good guilt teaches us to consider the needs of others and helps us learn right from wrong. Bad, or toxic, guilt is like a cancer that causes good, healthy cells to morph into destructive cells that grow out of control. When guilt runs rampant, it compromises a healthy psyche.

People with toxic guilt are peacemakers who want to be liked. They are the ones everyone depends on. In a nutshell, people with toxic guilt are constantly striving to be good enough. ‰
Bent on pleasing others and enslaved by unreasonably high expectations of themselves, people with toxic guilt don’t live life on their own terms. But there is a way out.

No trespassing—private property
The key to recovery from toxic guilt is establishing good boundaries or emotional fences. What’s inside the fence belongs to you; what’s outside the fence is someone else’s property. If you have toxic guilt, you have lousy fences, or maybe no fences at all! Probably your fences are damaged so other people simply step over them and walk right in. Trespassing is the order of the day. To escape toxic guilt you must learn that you have a right to your own property. This will be no small task, because the minute the notion of claiming something for yourself is imagined, you feel selfish.

However, it is crucial to understand that you have the right, and even the responsibility, to take good care of yourself which is very different from being selfish. Next, you have to create new boundaries or repair old boundaries. Decide to make it clear to others when, how often, and how much access they may have to your property. Finally, just as a rancher rides fences to monitor their integrity, you too must become vigilant in overseeing and maintaining your boundaries.

If you think toxic guilt may be controlling your life, you can free yourself, live a more satisfying life, and still be a good person.

Liberation awaits!

Is your guilt toxic?
Answer these five questions to see if you have toxic guilt:

1. Is pleasing others a driving force in your life?

2. Does the need to see yourself as “good” motivate you to take on people or projects when you’d really rather not?

3. Do you feel you’re never quite good enough?

4. Would you like to change something about your life—move, quit your job, leave a relationship—but don’t because you’d feel too guilty?

5. Do you habitually give more than you receive?

If you answered “yes” to two or more questions, it’s a good bet that toxic guilt is operative in your life.

Susan Carrell is a licensed professional counsellor in private practice and author of Escaping Toxic Guilt: Five Proven Steps to Free Yourself from Guilt for Good (McGraw-Hill 2007). carrellcounseling.com

Source: alive #319, May 2009

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